Supporting a Child Through Grief: talking to a child about death and dying.
Walking alongside our children through the death of a loved one
By Katie Costello – Soul Midwife, Funeral Celebrant & Accredited Death Educator
As parents and carers, our instinct is simple and powerful: protect our children.
We want to wrap them up in cotton wool, shield them from pain, and keep the hard stuff at bay for as long as possible. When it comes to death, dying, grief and loss, that instinct becomes even stronger. These are not conversations anyone looks forward to. They feel heavy, uncomfortable, and frightening. And it’s completely natural to think that by avoiding them, we are keeping our little people safe.
But in my work as a soul midwife, funeral celebrant and death educator, I see something different every day.
I see that when we don’t talk about death and dying, children don’t stop thinking about it. They simply fill in the gaps themselves.
Children are brilliant meaning-makers. If they’re not included in what’s happening, they will create their own stories and explanations. Those stories are often far scarier than the truth, and they’re created in isolation, without the comfort of honest reassurance from the adults who love them most.
We don’t protect children by keeping them in the dark. We protect them by walking alongside them.
Of course, seeing a child upset or struggling is one of the hardest things in the world. Whether that child is your own, one you care for, or one you support professionally, watching a little human in pain cuts deep. Every fibre of us wants to fix it, soften it, or take it away.
But grief is not something we can remove. It is something we must move through and with.
And resilience, real resilience, is not about being strong or ‘getting over it’. Resilience is a skill. It’s a practice. And it is best learned through experience, support, and compassion. None of us are perfect at it. As adults, many of us are still learning.
That’s why I often say: we all need to learn to do death and dying better. Not perfectly. Not fearlessly. Just better.
That starts with how we show up for children.
When we approach death, dying, grief and bereavement with openness, honesty and age-appropriate clarity, something powerful happens. Children feel included. They feel trusted. They feel less alone. And when they feel held in that way, they cope differently.
It doesn’t mean they won’t cry. It doesn’t mean they won’t feel angry, confused, or scared. It means they have somewhere safe to put those feelings.
Too often, adults believe that talking about death will make things worse. In reality, silence is usually what causes the deepest harm. The pain that comes from unspoken grief, unanswered questions, and hidden emotions often resurfaces later in life in far more complicated ways.
By allowing children to talk, ask questions, express themselves, and be part of what’s happening, we give them tools they will carry forward forever.
One of the most helpful things we can do is start these conversations while we are well – before crisis hits.
Talking about death and dying doesn’t have to be morbid. It can be calm, gentle, and grounded in everyday life. It might come up when a pet dies, when a grandparent becomes ill, or even through stories, nature, or television. These moments offer opportunities to explain, explore, and normalise life’s natural cycles.
When we wait until we are already grieving, panicked, or overwhelmed, everything becomes harder. Having some shared language beforehand gives children a framework to lean into when something big happens.
And just as importantly, it gives us one too.
Every child will experience grief differently.
Every family carries their own history, beliefs, and emotional landscapes. There is no one ‘right’ way to grieve, and there is no universal timeline. What matters is that every loss, every reaction, and every emotion is met with kindness and openness.
This is where organisations like Jigsaw South East are so vital. They provide spaces where children and families are seen, heard, and supported in ways that feel safe and human. They understand that grief is personal, unique, and deeply individual.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from both my professional work and from listening to children themselves, it’s this: when we allow children to lead, they often show us the way.
They will tell you when they’re ready to talk. They will show you what they need through their behaviour, their play, their questions, and sometimes their silence. Our role is not to force them forward or hold them back, but to walk beside them at their pace.
This is not about having all the answers. It’s about being present.
It’s about saying, ‘I’m here’.
It’s about listening more than speaking.
It’s about allowing tears, laughter, confusion, and quiet moments to exist side by side.
Ultimately, this is all of us as human beings coming together around something universal. No matter our background, beliefs, or previous experiences, grief touches every life. When we meet it with openness and compassion – for ourselves and for our children – we create space for healing.
And when we support our little people through grief with honesty, warmth and courage, we don’t just help them survive loss.
We help them learn how to live alongside it.
About our guest author
Katie Costello is a multi-award-winning Soul Midwife, Funeral Celebrant, and end-of-life care specialist who is passionate about encouraging open, honest conversations about death, dying, and grief – ideally with a generous slice of cake on the side. Following her long career in care, she soon realised that End of Life care was where her heart and soul belonged. With vast experience in Domiciliary and Palliative care over 12 years, and as well as being a Soul Midwife for the last 6 years, she worked within a hospice for 8 years too. Katie offers a wide range of End of Life support in the community, in Hospices, Care Homes and Hospitals and also for local businesses.
Find out more about Katie’s work here: www.katiecsoulmidwife.com
