Nick’s Bereavement Journey

On Saturday 1st May 2021, Jane Barton died suddenly and unexpectedly, and life changed dramatically for the family. Her husband Nick and two children, 9-year-old Laila and 12-year-old Che were in utter shock and unsure how they would navigate their lives without their wonderful wife and mother.  

A busy family life

Jane and Nick had busy lives and had craved more time together. Jane had worked as a long-haul air stewardess and Nick worked two jobs, for the Fire Service and as a self-employed painter and decorator. During the pandemic Jane was furloughed and she had been at home, full time for 14 months. Nick proudly told us “Jane did all the organising; she was so great with the kids. I was busy working two jobs, so we were looking forward to my retirement from the fire service and to spending more time together”.   

Nick retired from the fire service just five months before Jane’s death and he threw himself into building up his own business. Nick explained “When Jane died I was suddenly left with two children, it was total devastation and we had to pick ourselves up. I couldn’t work and I had to look after the kids, I wasn’t sure how to go about everything, Jane had done it all. I wasn’t sure how I would ever be able to return to work”. 

Returning to school and seeking support

Following Jane’s death, it took a while for the children to return to school full time.  Nick received weekly phone calls from both the children’s schools and Che’s school recommended he get in touch with Jigsaw South East. Nick called our helpline and was impressed that he was able to access our support immediately. 

Nick recalls, “I knew I needed some help, but I didn’t know what to do. It was all such a shock, we had no preparation, no build up, no anything, so it was really tough. It was just so helpful talking to Jigsaw right from the off. My Support Worker Sarah would talk to me almost like a counselling session, and when things cropped up or things changed, I could mention what was happening or what had changed, and Sarah had suggestions of what to do and how to support myself and the children”. 

“When September came and the kids did return to school, I knew I had to keep myself busy and active, and not slip into some sort of depression so I started doing small local jobs, all around dropping off and picking up Laila from school.” 

Attending support groups and activities

Nick and Laila attended Jigsaw grief support groups and social events with other bereaved families. He recalls “the meetings and social events were really helpful for Laila, for me too actually, because I got to speak to other parents that were in the same situation and Laila met other kids in a similar situation to her.” 

Nick also told us “Jigsaw only say you support children and young people but Sarah supported me, the parent too. It was so useful to have the regular chats with Sarah. It went from maybe being once a fortnight to once a month, to being three months apart. I knew we were starting to cope with our grief.”  

One of the groups that Nick attended around eighteen month’s after Jane’s death sticks in his mind. “There was another dad there and he was so upset, I could see what a better place I was in, and I was able to reassure him that it does get easier, he was only six months on from his wife’s death and I could remember exactly how he felt.”   

Nick also told us about a social event where the families went bowling together, he could see the value of this event where everyone just spent time together, without having to talk about grief and “just knowing that there’s other people like you and you’re not the only one.” 

We all grieve differently

Nick recognises that the transition points for the children, things such as changing school or moving to sixth form are the most difficult times. Nick’s son Che didn’t attend any of the Jigsaw sessions with his sister, and there is never any pressure for all of the siblings to attend. Nick has recognised that sometimes grief is different for men and their sons, he feels the male instinct is different and was grateful that Sarah helped him to recognise and understand that. 

Sarah spoke through with Nick alternative ideas of how to support Che and Nick felt confident that by talking to Che openly about the conversations he was having with Sarah and within the groups that Che would ask for support if he needed it. 

Nick has never pressured the children into becoming involved with any support around Jane’s death.  He said “It is tough not making them do something when I think it is the best thing for them, but I just have to encourage them, and if they don’t want to do it then that is up to them, I respect that decision.” Nick has seen through his own experiences that grief is a journey, not a straight road, lots of twists and turns. He feels confident that he can call Sarah at any time and get advice, he knows Jigsaw will always be there for him and his family. 

We asked Nick what he would say to another dad facing the death of his partner or whose partner has died, and he said “I’d strongly recommend getting in touch, Jigsaw is so helpful and so informative. Even if you just chat on the helpline for twenty minutes and you only take a little bit from it then you are in a better place than you were before you phoned.” Nick also said that it was worth giving the support offered a try “there is nothing to stop you pulling out or saying no if the support isn’t for you.” 

A different future 

When we asked Nick about his plans for the future he reminisced about the plans he had with Jane “When I was working two jobs and Jane was away flying the long haul routes we had chats about what we would do with all of our time together once I retired, we just couldn’t wait to have time together, but that all got ripped away, obliterated in one afternoon. I wasn’t able to make any plans straight away because it was just survival at first. Life has taken a different pathway, but now I feel able to make plans for the future and spending time with my kids is so important.”  

Jigsaw South East provides information and guidance to help support children and young people facing or coping with the death of a loved one. We support families in Surrey, and nearby areas of East and West Sussex and Kent. 

If you would like to know more about the support we provide please visit our pre bereavement or grief support web pages. You can also contact our helpline for families and professionals.  

 Helpline: 01342 313895 | Monday – Friday | 9.30am – 12.30pm