Rebecca raves about Jigsaw’s support on Radio 5 Live

On the 11th November 2024 BBC Radio 5 live host Gordon Smart hosted a show discussing how to tell your child you have cancer.  One of the callers to the show was Rebecca Govier, a surrey-based mum whose husband Dean died in October 2020, following his diagnosis with bowel cancer that then spread to his brain. Rebecca and her children were supported by Jigsaw South East after Dean’s death and she described her experiences of receiving a terminal diagnosis and supporting her young family to Gordon on that interview and to us afterwards. 

Tell us more about Dean… 

I met Dean in Cork in Ireland in 2007, he was hoovering his stand at a conference, and I was on the stand opposite him. We just hit it off straight away, we were inseparable!  We were together for seven years before we got married and then we had another seven years together in which time we had two daughters, Aubrey and Madison. It was a really happy life together. 

How did you tell the girls the news about their daddy? 

This for me is one of the hardest parts of my story, finding out that your loved one has a terminal illness is bad enough but having to tell your children that their father is dying is one of the worst things that you can do. Initially we were told Dean had about 3 months to live which was really tough but actually post-surgery and after all the chemo he went on to live for 18 months. The girls were 2 and a half and 5 years old, we felt they just couldn’t comprehend that information at the start. 

We didn’t use all the terminal language, we had to adapt that for them. We never talked about cancer to them. There are so many families that are affected by cancer and we didn’t want them having conversations with their peers or school friends and worrying them, so we were mindful of all of the communities and families, not just our own.  We used to talk about these crazy cells that were in daddy’s body and that the medicine and the doctors were trying to treat. We broke it down to their level and our conversations were based upon their understanding. The girls saw he had surgery; they saw his scars and they saw his port when he had his chemotherapy, and they saw the medicines going in, but we didn’t want to make it scary for them. 

We had the Marie cure team coming round and the nurses coming in twice a day so it became their norm, they were used to all of the team and going to hospitals, we were also fortunate to be supported by Jigsaw South East and when I was, basically prepping for the meeting to tell the girls, I was aware of how important it was to use the right language and the right terminology so that there was no confusion and couldn’t be misinterpreted or give them false hope.  I had lots of emails with Jigsaw and conversations with my support worker to make sure I got it right. I had this huge speech prepared but then it was finding the right time to tell the children, not before bed, not before school, it was complicated and so many components came into the conversation with Jigsaw South East. 

How did you manage your own feelings? 

I grieved at the point of diagnosis, we had a very close friend who was an oncologist and I asked him to be straight with me, I knew that the stage of cancer that we were and the fact that the cancer had spread to his brain from his bowel that there was no recovery from this. It was more about how long he could survive this, how long could he put up with it.  

I had anticipatory grief, so I knew it was coming but, I am a mum. My first job was to protect my children and make sure that they still had their childhood and weren’t deeply affected by this. It was my job to make sure that the difficult conversations didn’t scare them, I didn’t want them to fear anything or to worry about anything so even though inside I was in turmoil. The picture that I delivered to my children was always a positive one. 

It is just life, I know it sounds brutal, and people say to me all the time I don’t know how you do it, but the children still needed feeding, they still wanted stuff, we still had to go to the park, it doesn’t stop. In a way it is a blessing because you have to carry on for them, in a way they got me through my grief because we laughed, we cried and we had our moments, but we had to get on with life. 

Did having Jigsaw South East support help? 

From the point of diagnosis, Jigsaw’s support was transformative for our family. They gave me a safe space to process my emotions and understand the challenges I was facing with parenting two young children through their daddy’s terminal illness. Through Jigsaw’s guidance, I was able to open up conversations that might have otherwise been too difficult to have on our own. I was able to speak to the team about any of my worries or concerns along my journey, and they helped me plan out how I would communicate to my children about their daddy’s illness right until the end. The exact words and phrases I used to tell my daughters that their dad was dying were scoped and discussed in detail with my designated support worker, a conversation I couldn’t have with anyone else. 

How are you now? 

I try to challenge myself every year with different tasks and going on holiday on my own felt like a big task, but we’ve done it now and I can say I have successfully managed a 22-hour trip to Australia with two children! We are doing great; they are amazing little girls, and they are so resilient. 

Should someone in your situation contact Jigsaw South East? 

Making that first call can feel rather overwhelming, especially when you’re in the early stages of diagnosis or anticipatory grief, but the support they provide is invaluable. They create an understanding space where you don’t have to carry all the pressures of your child’s emotional welfare on your own. Whether it’s helping process feelings, offering practical advice, or just being there to listen without judgment, their team is compassionate, experienced, and dedicated to helping families navigate through one of the hardest times imaginable. 

Thank you to Rebecca for sharing her experiences of telling her children and the support we gave in that journey. 

If you have been effected by reading this then please get in touch by calling our helpline or if you would like to help us support a family like Rebecca’s then please donate here to support our work. 

Jigsaw South East provides information and guidance to help support children and young people facing or coping with the death of a loved one. We support families in Surrey, and nearby areas of East and West Sussex and Kent. 

If you would like to know more about the support we provide please visit our pre bereavement or grief support web pages. You can also contact our helpline for families and professionals.  

 Helpline: 01342 313895 | Monday – Friday | 9.30am – 12.30pm