Time to talk: helping your child to communicate when they are grieving.

When a loved one has died it is so important to make time to talk to your child/children and give them an opportunity to ask questions, share feelings and concerns and tell you what’s on their mind. Providing this space for open communication can help your child to cope with their grief and process their emotions. 

It’s good to consider certain factors to determine when is the best time and place for your child to talk, our article below outlines some points to think about, so that you can do as much as possible to aid your child’s communication.  

Finding the best time to talk

When someone has died it can be overwhelming for children to think let alone talk about how they are, and they are not always aware of how they are presenting themselves. Often children believe they are protecting adults by not asking questions. Consider the environment, the time of the day (not just before bedtime as this is the time when most children are on their own, adding to their anxiety and creating sleeping issues). Make sure you will not be disturbed by others, setting a time where you can be fully present, demonstrating that you are giving them your full attention. It is vital for the child to be heard and given time to feel and sit with the emotion, allowing it to be experienced in a safe place before trying to share their answer.

Triangle of emotions

Consider how the child is feeling at the time; if a child is experiencing high emotions and anxiety, they may not be able to process a conversation. Imagine your child has started to climb the side of a triangle and once at the top all emotions and feelings are overwhelming, this is not the best time to ask questions and offer suggestions of support, far better to wait until the child has come down to the other side, feeling calmer. At this point, the child will be more able to take onbourd suggestions for help when they find themselves experiencing these emotions again.

Ways to communicate with your child/children

Sometimes children hold back from talking about the person who has died worrying how and where the conversation will lead. Keeping the answer consistent in an age-appropriate way will help the child to understand what is being said to them, as difficult as it is using clear such as terms, death, dead, died will help the child to feel less confused and is a better way for them to navigate their responses.

Control

It is a common response for the child to feel overwhelmed at their grief; they have no control over what happened and may have overheard conversations between adults. Being honest with your child will help them to understand the narrative of what has happened, allowing you to build upon it in a trusting way as you go forward in coping with the bereavement.

How to support your child/children

Talking is so important for the child, keeping lines of communication open will benefit the child, giving them the reassurance they are desperately seeking. Children find comfort in talking about the person who has died, sharing memories and stories. If children are too young to remember the person, then helping them by sharing stories, photos and memories you have will give them connections, allowing them to feel more included.

Finding different ways to communicate if your child does not want to engage verbally, having a box the child has decorated where you can agree they write down the question or worry and you write your answer, letting the child read it when they feel comfortable, in their own time taking way the need for dialog.

Adults want to try and make everything alright, to take away their pain and sadness, but remember to ask the child want they want and need, suggestions are good but giving them the chance to think and consider what would help will be a way to work toward how to support them. Never assume they know how and what you are thinking, it may seem obvious to us but not always to them. Remind them it’s ok to feel the emotion and not something they are doing wrong.

We are here for you

For more guidance, support and information our helpline is open Monday – Friday, 9.30am – 12.30pm. Call 01342 313895 or email helpline@jigsawsoutheast.org.uk outside of these hours. There are also some emergency contacts if you need them, just click right here.  

We help children and their families in Surrey, East and West Sussex and Kent through the death of a loved one.